The solo search is necessary for someone whose chameleon pattern since birth was to follow. It’s a subconscious pattern of following others, join a group, to try to fit in even when I suspect I don’t, or at least feel like I don’t. The pattern weaves through my entire life, in all my relationships. Is it really true or just my perception of truth? Others may perceive it differently, think that I fit in until I pull away and show them otherwise.
How can any one presume to understand another when we don’t understand ourselves? Why are my pages filling up with more questions than answers? Maybe I’m not so much different, just more willing to ask hard questions. Some questions may not have answers in this lifetime, but the mind still searches. Sometime I just notice the mind doing what it’s been trained, conditioned to do. The grinding process might be counter-productive. Sometimes in the quiet morning hours of my blanketed cocoon the ah-ha answers seem to spontaneously arise. Maybe the mind just needs the rest from grinding to subconsciously sort during sleep.
The sun is up, another day has begun. Even in retirement days seem to go faster than before. I may have to come out of retirement soon and get a job, whether it’s one I want or not.
I’m not in a writing mood today. I tried working on the next blog post yesterday, but I wasn’t feeling it then. Sometimes I wonder what am I doing and why, but I keep doing it for some unknown reason. That’s okay, not all questions need to be answered in order to Follow The Flow into The Great Whatever.
Maybe I stayed in bed awake too long this morning thinking about others, happy couples I know, how they met, how nice it must be to have someone to wrap up with in bed. Then haunting memories popped in and the whole-body shudders arose and repeated in waves. That got me up. Now I know the haunting shudders are a very important subconscious response that keeps me safe from a dangerous relationship. I DO NOT tap them away because I am grateful to know they keep me safe.
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